saying good bye to grandma's house.

At the end of November we said good bye to my grandma's house. She's now living in a nursing home and selling was the only option. This has proven to weigh far more heavily on me than I would have ever imagined. It felt impossible to say farewell to a house that has been my favorite home. It has made this Christmas season a little depressing, if I'm going to be honest. It has been so hard for so many reasons (for my whole family), but for me here are a few... (this is adjusted from a post on my other blog)
1. My grandma is incredibly special to me. She loved her home (as we all did) and didn't want to leave it. It being gone means me never getting to spend time with her there, in her environment. That's kind of impossible for me to comprehend. Her home is special because she is special.
2. My grandma lived in this house for 60+ years. In my 34 years, nothing has changed in her house...not one thing. Maybe a new chair has found it's way in, or we rearranged the couch a couple times, but that is it. The pictures on the wall had always been there. She always kept the tea on the same pull out drawer in the lower left cabinet, stationary in the stand in the family room, and card table and chairs in the back bedroom closet. The same decor has graced the bathroom, bedroom, kitchen and living room. The white room has always been the "kids" room. The carpet shows the wear of our many walks from one end of the house to the other. Her home remained unchanged for as long as I have known it. To me, it has been the definition of constancy and taught me all I know about stability and unchangingness.
3. It's the only true home I've ever known. We moved around a lot when I was a kid and I've moved around a lot as an adult. My grandma's house has always been home base. I spent much of my childhood there. In a lot of ways I grew up there. I would even say that most of my favorite childhood memories are there....many new years eves with a snack table laid out by grandma and pots and pans banged on her porch, many Easter egg hunts and pictures in our dresses with our new stuffed bunnies, many Halloweens with our costumes ready to trick or treat in her neighborhood, many times of climbing her tree or playing in the nearby circle cul de sac, many times of decorating her Christmas tree, many listens of the Sound of Music soundtrack on her record player, many sleepover nights and watching Golden Girls with grandma on the couch, many trips up to explore in the attic, many great family times in the family room and games played at the dinning room table, many great meals cooked in the kitchen, MANY great memories in every nook and cranny of that house. And even as an adult after going through a tough time, it was where Josh, Sydney and I lived for a few months until we got back on our feet. It's where Sydney was potty trained. It's where she has spent the last few Christmas mornings and birthdays. It's where her special room was. My grandma's home was a place of feeling safe, at home, comfortable, known and loved.

So, as you can imagine, saying good bye to this house just can't be done. I went through each room, remembered, cried, and grieved. Her home is irreplaceable and I will treasure every single memory housed there in my heart forever.